We were victims of childhood abuse in our differing ways and here we'll share something of what happened to us.

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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

This is not a pleasant post to write but in the interests of complete honesty I believe that it needs to be written.

As you know I had an an assessment session with the counselling service last week and at the time was both relieved and happy that things were finally on course. Unfortunately the euphoria proved to be a little premature.

I'm used to dealing with persistent, unpleasant memories; they're part of my life and aren't going away. However I usually only have to deal with one slice of history at a time. I hadn't allowed for the fact that in the space of an hour I detailed the whole list of events covering the 15 years between the ages of 3 and 18.

It was like watching an out of control slide show and I was left completely helpless in the face of so much horror. Seeing yourself as a cowering toddler, an abuse victim, being bullied and then suffering at the hands of your stepfather is not something I'd recommend to anybody.

With the help of my superb GP and the Exeter Crisis Management Team I've got things under control again and now have access to help, should I need it, at any time from people who have access to the full story. Just knowing that the help is available makes an enormous difference.

I'm still certain that counselling is the right course and now I know what I'm dealing with I hope I can control things a little more.

Sorry this couldn't be a more uplifting post.

8 comments:

FreeFox said...

What do you mean? You just told us that not only did you succeed in gathering up the courage to face 15 years of horror, but that you survived it - the original enough to face it again now, and now going back to it.
What could give us more hope???

Thanks, mate! And hugs (if you want them).

Fight on! ^_^

Daniel said...

That's one of the reasons I'm reluctant in digging too much in my past. I know what will surface will be tough to handle. If it's even possible to cope with. I don't know.

Sorry to hear you had to do this. Hope it leads to something good in the end.

Love
Daniel

Micky said...

Nobody said it would be easy, Malcolm.

You've made a courageous decision to tell a counsellor the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and you'll do it.

If nothing else then perhaps your friends around this blog will listen to your tales and help in whatever ways we can in the hope that you can once and for always understand, accept and find some sort of peace.

tman said...

I hope it works out for you Mac... I don't know... For me, dredging up bad things from the past time after time, has the net effect of reinforcing the negative things about living that we have no control over, in the sense that we can't change what happened... I prefer the road of forgiveness that helps me to move away from the feelings of powerlessness, and reassert my self determination...

The chief value I find in talking or writing about these things is to inform and hopefully make other people with similar experiences feel less alone, and give them hope that there is a good way foward. But, tbh, the more I rip at these scabs, the more it tends to sadden me, almost like I'm betraying the understanding that I had to put them behind me... almost like it's some acknowledgement that my strategy is flawed or something. IDK... It's kind of hard to describe, but, I guess the bottom line is that my heart feels better to focus on the love that I have and the possibility of love in the future... I try to make many things, good and bad, into 'history'... the path I have traveled from a place I will never return...

I'm sorry ... I guess this probably seems quite convoluted. But, it works for me. luv, tman<3

jaygeemmm said...

Hmmm, not uplifting? I think it's pure inspiration and I hope others who are in the same mindset you have been for so long realize that yes, help is out there!

It's not easy getting started. I've been there. But once you get it going, it's like a snowball on a hill.

GOOD FOR YOU! Keep it up, it will make all the difference in your world!

Peace <3
Jay

Biki said...

Bravo Mac, bravo! You faced the dragon down, and came out the winner. Yeah, it wounded you mightily, but you survived to fight another day. I'm happy to hear that you are working on facing down and slaying your dragon. They can be killed, or at least muted to the point they no longer interfere with your life.

Mustapha Mond said...

Dear Malcolm I do not know you but I admire you for your courage. My experience is similar to yours in many ways and that was very comforting, I feel less alone I guess. I still have not managed to tell all the stuff that I "forget but remember." I just can't get past the crushing shame and I have really tried. Congratulations on your win, I look forward to being able to do what you have done.

Malcolm said...

Hi Mustapha Mond. Thanks for your comment. I think that the feeling of being alone is one of the worst effects of abuse. For some reason we manage to shoulder all the guilt while often the abuser seems to have none.

The only advice I can give is that you have to keep telling yourself that you were not to blame; you were the innocent victim. Hopefully you'll come to believe it eventually.

Do feel free to contact me if you ever feel the need to talk things over. You don't have to be alone.

Love
Malcolm